A Members Story # 1

How a Member came out to someone in hopes they would except her for who she is, and they did ..................... It is just as she send it to the person she was hoping would except her as herself ....
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If you are reading this short essay, it means I have come out to you as my true self. Please continue without comment until you finish. I understand the shock you feel of my disclosure. Maybe you feel betrayed and even angry at this point. All I ask is, before you pass judgement on me, that you understand what it is you are passing judgement on. I have been going through this every single day of my life for the last forty years.

        Imagine if you will, that the day you were born, a bell was ringing in your head. You are a baby and have many other things to wonder at, so it loses your attention. Now fast forward in years to the ages of 8 or 9. By now, the bells have your attention. Something is not right. Until now, you thought everyone heard them ringing. You come to realize that is not so. You find it in your best interest not to tell anyone. You keep it inside you and hope that someday they stop ringing. Then you discover that if you do certain things, the ringing stops. You also discover that this is not acceptable to others, so you hide that too. It makes you feel normal, so you continue doing it and pray everyday to be this way all the time. You resent it when you have to stop and the bells come back. Now in addition to the ringing, you have anger and frustration to deal with. This follows you into adulthood. As you grow older, you begin reading everything you can get your hands on about bells. That is when you discover, you are not the only one who hears bells. There are others. The problem is, they, like you, think only they hear them. This makes them hard to find and talk with. A rare few have come forward and told others about the bells. They are labeled as freaks and undesirables, then outcast from society. You however, understand their feelings. Since you do not want to be labeled, you keep it in, keep on praying, and hope it will go away. You also continue to research and read all you can find about bells, hoping that some tidbit of information will help you get rid of them easily. Through it all, you act like everyone else, doing what others do, so that absolutely no one knows you hear these bells. It is hard, and you continue to practice this thing that you learned in childhood to make the ringing stop. Your anger, however, gets harder to control. Frustration wells up inside of you, because you know the bells are not going to stop ringing.

              At middle age, the bells are getting louder and louder. You are at a point that you cannot take much more. You know what you need to do, so you seek out help. Just maybe, there is something you overlooked in your research to stop the ringing. Of course, as you knew all along, that is not so. There are only two ways to stop the bells. The first option is to commit suicide. A bit drastic, but it would work. Naturally, you consider it. You may even try it, but stop yourself. It is a heavy price to pay, and depending how you go about it, a bit messy. Then there is what you would write in a letter to everyone to explain your actions. After you have done this deed, everyone will say that, had they known, they would have tried to help you. Then this other matter pops up, when you show up before God, without an invitation, it would not be a very good meeting. So, you explore the other option.

             This too is not without a price. When you start to tell people about the bells, you risk losing everything. Your significant other, your family and friends, even your way of making a living. At this point, you rethink option one. Either way, the bells will be gone, forever. For the first time in your life, you will feel normal. At least with option two, you are still around. As a matter of fact, your life will do a complete turnaround, because, you finally got rid of those bells. The price you paid was very dear. You have pretty much lost everything you have lived and worked for. The friends and family who claimed they would have helped you, had they known, no longer consider themselves, your friends or family. So, you must start rebuilding a new life from scratch. Of course, because you stopped the ringing that only you heard to begin with, no one will understand why you did this. Your new found life will be filled with prejudice, labeling, bigotry, hate, and discrimination. This is all aimed solely at you. You are now one of those social outcasts. To make it harder, you will face all of this alone. A daunting task indeed. The bells have stopped and are totally out of your life. You are the happiest you have ever been in your life, despite all you have been through. Yet, there is no one to share it with. Everyone that meant anything to you in your life, is gone. Quite an experience if you think about it.

              Now, replace those bells with the gender you are born with.(what your mind says you are, male or female) Does it match your sex? (what your body says you are) For most people, it does. That is all they know. For others, it doesn’t match. The bells are always there. This is what it feels like to be a transsexual.

              So you go most of your life hiding the fact and going about life as others think you should. You become a great show person. If they gave out Oscar’s for life, you would surely be a winner. Everyone assumes you are the person you portray yourself to be. Naturally, when you disclose that the act is over, they are shocked and dismayed. To them, the show must go on!

              Think carefully about what you have just read for a moment. I do not ask anything from you, but an understanding of who I truly am. Even if you walk away from me, have respect for the courage it took to come out with this, in spite of all I have dealt with to this point, and what I will have to deal with as the future unfolds.

A Members Story #1 .....  Dec. 6, 2005
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